Language is the house of being.  In its home wo/man dwells.  Those who think and those who create with words are the guardians of this home.

                                               Martin Heidegger

Breaking Silence:

I Create as I Speak...

Mastering breaking silence--mastering coming out of myself powerfully and with clarity in speech that integrates what I think and feel, and expresses what I care deeply about (and have yet to learn, when I have the humility to admit it!) is one of my primary aims for this time in my life.  I aim for powerful speech because of a firm commitment to giving voice to what will make a difference for us as a species, and so for the planet and beyond. 

I am with Martin Heidegger.  We don't simply speak. We create with words. That makes us accountable. We are responsible for what we say and how we say it--responsible for what our language creates.

What we speak matters a great deal.  This year's election discourse has stood for a stark example of what language can create.  Discord, suspicion, increasing prejudicial language violence, and so many twists of what is true encourage the exclusion of some and create a climate in which outbreaks of violence--verbal and physical--have become commonplace.

What do we desire to create together--as a country of a multiplicity of communities with deep needs and drives?

I will say it again, drawing from an ancient source: speaking is a creative act.  God spoke and the heavens were made.  "God said" and there was land and water, light and dark, flora and fauna--and us.  Humanity.  Made in God's image.

We are given the power to create through our speech.  

With my contemplative bent, I note that speech emerges from silence.  

Choosing silence is as important as breaking it.

Listening is as important as speaking.
Listening to God, listening to one another, listening to creation and listening to our hearts may be MORE important than speaking, though we need do both.

I recently preached on a passage from the Gospel of Luke (12:54-56). Jesus chides some of his listeners.   Able to watch the clouds and expect rain they were, he said, unable to interpret the present time.

I have been among those he would chide many a day.  I can create quite a discouraging list of realities that make it imperative in my mind that I speak.  They are only partial reports of what is truly present,what is real, what I long to create with my words and my life.  This creates a distortion that is not at all life-giving.

Because my list is partial it is a failure to interpret the present time.  When I break silence I want my speaking and listening to make a difference.  I want to participate in God's wild, abundant, beyond our capacity to grasp creative adventure, not detract from it.

So what do I want to say as I break a year plus silence here?

We are a people that are deeply troubled. Much is troubling.  That is true.  

We are created to be troubled when violence erupts--in whatever form.  

We are in line with God's intention for us when death-dealing realities dominate.

When Jesus calls us to an accurate interpretation of the present times that is definitely part of the picture.  But his very life gives lie to the utter discouragement that arises from seeing the troubles only, and to interpreting them as signs of doom alone.  These signs of the times I believe he was calling us to interpret differ in their meaning from what many would have us see.

He would not paint a picture that is grim alone.

NOT:  The church is dying!  Civilization is crumbling!  I am a hopeless mess!  End of story.

What if we were to language differently? What if we were to be even more bold and speak another possibility, a different future, into being?

Let us listen to the times with a different ear.
Consider the birthing process!

The church, the world, you and me--are undergoing a profound transformation.  Transformation is messy and painful.  Some things are, indeed, passing away AND a new creation is promised.

An ancient message echoes in our times:  God will not keep silent. Death will not have the final say,
but "It does not yet appear what we shall be." We have God-given power to make choices and take actions that manifest God's dream for us.

It is possible for everyone of us to know abundant life and love, here and now.

This is not an empty hope but a true potential.  There is enough for everyone.  Now is the time to create the future where that is manifest.

God help us to recognize the openings for life-giving action--action that forwards God's dream of a world full of peace and justice, love and laughter and confrontation that leads to reconciliation.
God empower us to choose them.

God help us to keep and break silence--both!


I am indebted to the Mastery Foundation and its School for Leadership for their work with some of these core ideas.  It is quite a gift to be a participant in the School, and to stand with many others for creating a future that will make a positive difference.  As a Companion of Mary the Apostle, the future I stand for is one in which "all people flourish in bold, loving community."  What might yours be?

  

Solitary?

At times nothing is more delicious than being alone--the simpler the surroundings the better.  That makes closing my eyes in contemplative prayer all the easier. Nothing (outside) to distract--nothing to tempt my eyes, hopefully little to call my ears, I enter in and find solace.

Sometimes I relish solitary time.

Often what I find is the cluttered chaos of my grasping mind--seeking something, anything to hold onto while I delay a deeper awareness of what troubles me.  "Monkey mind" scrambles here and there, desperate for the comfort of distraction from the distress that is an inevitable part of being human.  Wanting to avoid seeing, avoid feeling pain--my own or the world's-- I have some choices:

Stay.  Breathe. Notice. Feel. Name. Let it go.
Be with what is arising.  Accept.  Explore.  Say yes to God working with me.
Pray for help!

Or leave.
Get up.  Find something--anything--to do. Get coffee.
Go for a walk.  Hide in a book. Seek out a conversation. Go for a drive.

Anything is better than what is arising.

The precious thing in this moment is that I have a choice.
I can get up.
I can leave.
I can make myself coffee, find an enjoyable book, talk to someone.

Not so with those who are sent to "Solitary."

We have been praying for those who are being held in solitary confinement for some time now.  We remember those who cannot leave their tiny, simple, stark cells.

I began reading about this intensely when I heard that Tsarnaev, the man now known more commonly as "The Boston Marathon Bomber," may spend the rest of his days in ADX:  The US Penitentiary Administrative Maximum Security Prison in Florence, Colorado--if he is given a sentence of life in prison.  23 hours a day, 365 days a year in a room with a tiny window (which may have a brick wall behind it), a solid door with a slot in it to receive his meals, a sink-toilet combination, a stainless steel shower.  One inmate likened it to living in a bathroom. There is only a thin mattress to cover the concrete slab of a bed, and a concrete, fixed, "desk and chair."  And that is just the physical surroundings.  It does not not account to what it does to a human being to live in utter isolation.

Life in prison--in solitary confinement--is supposed to be a more humane choice than the death penalty*.

I think not.  It promises a descent into what Robert Hood, a former warden of the ADX, calls "A clean version of Hell."

Shane likens it to being buried alive, and that feels right to me.

Tsarnaev is an extreme and complicated example, though.  The bombing was horrible, the devastation huge.  What is the appropriate response?  I do not know.

I do know that many men and women with far lesser offenses are held.  Violence, yes.  But lesser ones like ignoring orders, using drugs--or profanity--possessing contraband--all these can land men and women--our brothers and sisters--in Hell on earth for a very long time.

A large number are held in "protective custody."  Children; those who report rape; gay and transgender people--these are protected by the thousands by being confined, alone in life-draining settings.

80,000 people are in solitary confinement in the United States on any given day.

Average terms range from 5 months (NY) to 6.8 years (CA) for the general population.  There are many "supermax" facilities where the norm is constant "segregation."

Death Row inmates' average sentence in solitary confinement is 14 years. (last figures from 2009).

Somewhere between 25-50% of people in solitary have some mental illness.  Too many.  If they don't when they go in, most soon demonstrate signs--depression, panic attacks, paranoia, mania, self-injury and suicide happen.  The details are gruesome.

I offer a contrast.  As a spiritual director I usually recommend that people try no more than three days of silence their first time.  That is most often experienced in community.  A retreat house with some comforts, often beautiful surroundings and good food is the norm.

And that can be difficult enough.

I confess that I don't have another solution.  I don't know what to do with those who commit acts of terrible violence.  I do believe that responding with terrible violence is not the answer.

I do believe we can do better.

And I keep praying: for the 80,000 in solitary confinement, and for all of us.

Teach us all mercy, God.  Help us to break the cycle of violence.  Give us the grace to mirror you, the one who is just and merciful.

To learn more about this practice, see The New York Times Magazine article "Inside America's Toughest Prison" March 29, 2015 or solitary watch.com.

*I stand in opposition to the death penalty as well.
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By way of introduction...

I begin. 

Born Elizabeth Ruth Broyles,  I am a Companion of Mary the Apostle--Mary Magdalene, that is--and am co-founder (with Shane Phelan) of this new Christian Community.  It is residential and opening soon to members who hear themselves in our Charism and live our Covenant where they are.  Sprung up from Episcopal roots, we are ecumenical.  We are open to people of all genders who wish to explore whether being a Companion is calling them. Visit  http://companionsofmarytheapostle.org to begin your own ponderings!

It is a bit strange to me to post this title--"She pondered these things in her heart,"-- which harkens back to Advent and Mary the mother of God so close to Holy Week.  I am, however, learning that things ripen when they ripen.

My heart has been pondering deeply as I encounter life through a newly-minted vocation as a monastic, a 20 year journey as a priest and--perhaps most relevant--the life long way of becoming human.  "The Glory of God is the human person fully alive," claims Ireneaus.  I have lived with this quote for some years and sought to be guided more and more by Christ, the Truly Human One, in my becoming. 

I find great blessing and challenge as I discover the heart of the faith of my birth and choice.  A lifelong Episcopalian, the Christian Way has been compelling for as long as I can remember.  Exploring my faith has led me to pray for periods with Pentecostals (whose passionate prayer, love of rousing song and focus on scripture have fed me); Roman Catholics (almost like home) and Quakers (their sacred times of silence fed me when I could not get to my beloved monastery--Holy Cross in West Park, NY). 

The Christian path has been powerfully and beautifully illuminated for me through encountering the practices and traditions of other spiritual paths.  I have loved discovering the common ground and the differences.  I have cherished exploring Buddhist, Hindu, Yogic and Shamanic paths--some to greater, some to lesser degrees.  Each brought me back to realize that the Church--the Mystical Body of Christ--is home for me.   I continue to be immensely enriched by the wisdom of other traditions' writings and especially their poetry.   Their roots all tap into the deep underground river of God which both quenches and incites thirst.

"Quest by Question," is one of the retreats I lead. I love engaging the questions that come with aiming to live fully, even knowing that I will encounter more questions than answers if I am faithful.  Sometimes I love the new questions, others not.  Answers are attractive to me as much as the next person.  Occasionally one comes, even if it only fits for a time.  I find life at its best, though, when I can let go of my desire for certainty and closure, engage mystery, and see what arises.

My whole being is engaged in this practice.  The mind and heart are one, not two.  The more human we become, the more we are one, unified self:  body, mind, heart and soul with Source and End in God.  Each one is, in turn, deeply connected to every other one and we all live in the One who is All in All.

When I say I will share the ponderings of my heart, it is with the hope that I may write from a center that finds speech when "the mind descends into the heart," as Eastern Christian contemplatives teach. Another teaching--letting the mind be in service to the heart--also informs me.  Both have nurtured an understanding that neither intellect nor affect alone will suffice for journeying faithfully with questions.  Together they are not even enough.  God's loving, life-giving, often course-correcting Spirit is critical for me and countless others. 

My heart is quite tender these days.  Strong and tender is what I would say.  The more I journey this amazing path of the Way of Christ, the more people I meet along the way who are committed to living a spiritually grounded life.  This life may express itself in being obviously loving, or peace-producing,  or truly joyful, or love-and-justice centered--or all of the above and more.  It is not necessarily expressed in god language, yet that is my language.  I am taking a deep breath right now as I seizeI the opportunity to share it here.

In the midst of this unfolding adventure, I often feel like yelling "HANG ON!  WE'RE GOIN' FOR A RIDE!" to those who are with me or witnessing.  

I hope you will come along with me, and join your ponderings with mine.  

Elizabeth

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